Hi everyone! In this video I will be discussing my transition from male to female. There will be pictures during this video, though not many since I avoided the camera at all cost pre-transition. So, I mainly only have school photos.
So, I am a transgender / transsexual person, meaning I was born in the wrong body, it is not a mental illness like some people may think. In my case, I was born a male, lived the first 22 years of my life as one, but then made the transition to become who I really was, a female. I came out and started seeing a therapist in late 2010, been on hormones since late 2011, lived full-time since 2012, and had sex reassignment surgery in early 2013. So, it took about a year and a half from hormones to SRS.
I wouldn’t say that I am completely female though. I call myself a hybrid. I’d say 60% female and 40% male. So, I’m quite androgynous. Not with my appearance, but with some of my personality. While I identify with both male and female genders, there are times I identify with neither. Feeling neither male or female. I don’t know what I am a lot of times.
So, as early as I remember, I always wanted to be a girl. I recall when I was under 10 years old, my mother was watching this movie on cross-dressing men, and I happened to see part of it and realized that’s what I wanted to do. When I became a teenager and started to go through puberty, it was an absolutely awful experience. My body was changing in a way I didn’t want it to, and I was terrified and hated myself.
I remember seeing a documentary on TV about an older male to female that was about to undergo surgery and I was so fascinated by this and amazed that it was possible to change your sex organs. I kept saying to myself, this will be me when I get older. And, sure enough, 10 years later, her I am.
I knew then what I was, and what I needed to do to be happy, but couldn’t tell anyone. I was so reserved that not even my family really knew who I was. This is the moment that I’ve heard a lot of people think they’re gay or lesbian. And, when they come out and live that way, life may be a little better, but still isn’t right. That is when they realize that it’s something a lot more. For me, I never went through a period that I thought I was gay. I was attracted to females, and still am, so I’m a lesbian.
I hated myself so much, whenever I would look in the mirror I would see an ugly disgusting slob. People would say I was a handsome young man, but I hated when they said that because, I was not a man, and I didn’t see myself as handsome. Whenever I would take a photo of myself or look in the mirror, I would become so depressed and cry. I just didn’t want to live because there was no life worth living if I couldn’t love myself. I would hope and wish each day that I could wake up in the morning as a female, with the right body. I hated how I looked, my body, and of course the male parts I had. I just wanted to get rid of it.
When I turned 18, the feeling of wanting to be a female seemed to almost diminish. I think this was due to the fact that I was focusing on other matters that were extremely important to me. The thought of it was no longer something I wanted to do. I still wasn’t confident in myself, hated who I was, but was somewhat ok with being a male.
It was when I turned 20 that the feelings started to return, even stronger than before. And, I knew then I had to do something.
I started doing plenty of research, watching tons of other people on YouTube that were also male to female that we already living full-time. I remember just how much I wanted to be full-time as well, but I couldn’t express my feelings, since I didn’t know how. I was scared about how people would react when they knew. And thought I would be an ugly female that couldn’t pass. I was terrified that people would look at me weird and see me as a guy dressing as a woman. I had facial hair that was very dark and visible, even after I shaved. I was concerned about my masculine voice, facial features, as well as the Adam’s apple. I just didn’t see how I could see myself as a female.
I couldn’t take it anymore and had to tell my grandmother. It was on August 1st, 2010 that she found out. However, my method of telling her was having her guess. She knew something was up by how I was acting the past few days, so we started to have a conversation and the first thing she, and everyone who later found out, thought was I was gay. I said, “No, it’s a lot more complex than that.” Then she guessed transgender. Luckily for me, everyone has been very supportive and accepting of me. This is not always the case for transgender people. It’s a very sad thing when not even your own family can accept you. There is no excuse for that.
So anyway, my grandmother was already familiar with transgender from watching television shows. But, the one thing she said back then was, “I think you should have sex with a girl first and then make that decision.” And, that was just because she didn’t know at the time that it has nothing to do with sexual orientation. A lot of people can be confused by this saying things like, “If you’re still attracted to women, why not just stay a man?” Which is ridiculous since it has nothing to do with sexual orientation. The ‘T’ in ‘LGBT’ doesn’t really belong since the others are sexual orientations, and transgender is not.
Anyway, I started seeing a gender therapist shortly thereafter. I remember saying that I didn’t want to take hormones until after surgery since I didn’t want to be on medication. Plus, there are always dangers with taking testosterone blockers and estrogen. But, sometime later I decided that I wasn’t happy living as a male anymore and want to start living full-time but wanted to be on hormones first. So, in May 2011, I started taking testosterone blockers, and in September 2011 started taking estradiol. I’ll have a video dedicated to hormones since there is a lot to talk about. [Hormones]
In December 2011, I started looking for clothing. It was very difficult at first since I felt as though it was awkward for people to see a male looking for female clothing and I was terrified and embarrassed. But, during that time, I looked androgynous, people couldn’t tell if I was male or female. All I wore as a guy was the same clothes over and over again. I only had like three different outfits. All grey, all blue, and all black. That’s all I wore. I mean, now I wear all black, but that’s different.
I began to dress and when January 2012 came around, I was living full-time. My first day out in female clothing and makeup was terrifying. I didn’t think I could pass, but I did, and so much has changed since then.
I created a brand new identity for myself, changing my first, middle, and last name, so I could leave that old identity behind. My family was upset I was changing my last name and my new first name was nothing like my male name. I legally changed it in April 2012, and later the sex on my license, health insurance, those sorts of things. It was funny, before I changed the health insurance, I went to my doctor and the woman that schedules the future appointments looked at the paper that said ‘M’ for the gender on it and asked, “Is this right?” I just laughed and was like, [nod]. Because at the time I still was legally a male, so it had to stay. It was embarrassing too, but I changed it to female so I don’t have to worry about that anymore.
It was so exciting for me to finally start living the life I was always meant to have. But, something was still not right. I felt like I needed to look perfect so no one would know I was born a male. I was trying to impress people with my femininity. Some of that was due to the fact that I was still trying to figure things out and find my style. And, this took about six months, and then I found what works for me and makes me feel beautiful, which just so happens to be this alternative/Goth look, and it finally felt right. Though, this look probably isn’t the best for me due to the fact that it draws a lot of attention, and I don’t like that since it really messes with my anxiety. But, I do have the attitude that I didn’t care what people think anymore about me. I can go out without any makeup or feminine attire and not really care. And, I seem to completely pass too so that is a great thing.
Lastly, in March 2013, I had SRS (sex reassignment surgery) and removing the Adam’s apple. So, I don’t have to deal with either one of those things anymore. I will discuss the surgery in much greater detail in a different video. [SRS]
I don’t think anyone would really recognize me now after how much I have changed. If anyone did know me from back then, please get in contact with me. That would be very interesting. But, looking back at older photos really upsets me. You can the see the emotional struggle I had with myself, and others I just look so mentally disturbed due to my other issues. If it wasn’t for making this transition, I would’ve never been able to love myself and I don’t know where I would be. Because, now I do love myself more and can express myself easier than I was able to before. I cannot imagine life now as a male. I can’t even remember it really because it was so difficult to function.
So, that sums up my transition from male to female. I hope this video was informative and helpful. Thanks for watching!
1And Now You Must Adjust To Your Brand-New Genitalia
1And Now You Must Adjust To Your Brand-New Genitalia
When you get a new sex organ a couple decades into life, it takes some getting used to. "Just peeing was a whole new experience. I've always sat down to pee, but I still sometimes reach down to shake it off. It's the force of habit that's hard to, well, shake. A potentially embarrassing aspect is having to recalibrate your sense of bathroom timing; when I have to go now I'd better go! This has gotten a little better with time as my muscles get used to it, but I had some near-misses."
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And, of course, having a new fuck-zone makes that whole aspect of your life quite different. "But after being over the 'new' part of it, it feels natural in a way it never did before. I wasn't joking earlier about wanting to cry after sex; it never felt right, and it created a wall between me and anyone I was intimate with." And note that there are a few differences between a surgery-built vagina and one that just grows in the traditional way. Namely, lubrication. "What male bodies obviously don't grow are lubricating ducts for the vaginal wall. After surgery, you'll always need lube for sex, and with the aftercare being what it is I feel I should get a sponsorship from Durex."
Or at least a "sixth one free" punch card.
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Nora didn't view her surgery as just transitioning from a penis to a vagina. "I went from nothing to something, from not having a vagina to having one. I never felt like I had genitalia of my own before; the thing was just there, it didn't belong to me. It was a cruel joke. I couldn't even talk about it in terms like 'my penis'; it was 'that thing.' Now I do have private parts, and it's liberating and empowering. It's not been all that long and already I can hardly remember what it felt like, physically, to have that other thing."
This actually hits on a major misconception people have about transgender people, viewing them as men who want to be women. Nora says, "I wasn't a boy who wanted to be a girl. I was an unhappy girl who wanted to be a happy one. Without understanding that, having an understanding of transsexuality is not possible. I have ambitions now, motivations; I enjoy life, and I enjoy people. The surgery didn't magically make me happy, but it took away a lot of barriers and allowed me to work towards the life I want for myself, just like anyone else."
John Howard/DigitalVision/Getty Images
Surgery below the belt; results above the shoulders.
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Now, we're not trying to publish an advertisement for gender reassignment surgery here. There is very little long-term data on the effects. The best evidence we have suggests it does have a positive mental health impact on most patients (weirdly enough, results tend to be better for people who transition from female to male than male to female -- nobody knows why), but gender reassignment patients do still have an elevated suicide risk compared to the general population. Not just because patients still face a stigma (again, you're having to explain this to every single person in your life) but because gender identity issues have so dominated their lives that they're not sure how to move on.
"Many -- too many -- people get post-operative depression. Not because they regret it but because they've spent so much time and effort into working towards it that when it's over they have little left going on." That, by the way, was why the counselors kept prodding her about her career and life goals. "The clinic wants to know there is more to your life than transition, because when it's all your life is about it can be a red flag." You spend your youth wishing you could live your life as a woman, but once you accomplish that goal, you then have to actually go out and live your life as a woman. That's not the end of a story -- it's the beginning of one.
Knowledge is power, so get you some. Be sure to check out 5 Shocking Realities oF Being Transgender The Media Ignores and 6 Awful Lessons I Learned Transitioning From Female To Male.
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